What is a Prayer?

It's been a while since I had the inspiration to write a poem (since my trip to El Salvador, actually) but this one just felt right. It's a question I've been asking myself for a really long time, and it hit home as I was listening to The Goo Goo Dolls, "Better Days." In the song, there's a line in the second verse that goes: "And the one poor child who saved the world, and there's 10 million more who probably could, if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them." It got me asking if prayer was enough, and then to the question that inspired the following: what is a prayer?

What is a prayer? A wish sent up high?
What about how we live our lives?
An intentional way of spending each day,
A smile, a laugh, a hug, to say,
You are worth it, you are enough,
You are the reason I choose love.

What is a prayer? Asking a helping hand?
What of our hands, are they in the plan?
Using knowledge and faith to take God from the sky,
Finding ways to meet him before we die.
Trying to bring God here to the work that we do,
Trying to make God real, for me and for you.

A prayer is words, yes, a talk with God,
But prayer must be more, or else it is flawed.
Prayer is teaching young minds to take a stand,
Using their heads and hearts to better their land.
Prayer is making others full, the ultimate goal,
Prayer is helping people feel God’s gentle pull.

Each day a coaster, with highs and lows,
And when some days are over, we feel only the blows,
The punishment for caring too much,
The bruises and scrapes, we feel out of touch,
With why we are here, with what is our mission,
With how we fit into God’s perfect vision.

The coaster we ride is a prayer on its own,
The ecstatic scream, the agonizing groan,
God’s presence isn’t always known, accepted,
It’s sometimes easier not shown, rejected.
It isn’t easy, that much is certain,
Like trying to see light behind a steel curtain.

Despite the struggles, the desolation,
We have our moments of exultation.
And know God was there, through good and through bad,
See his footprints beside ours in the sand.
And at the close of the day, as I lay down to rest,
I know He was with me, saw me through each test.

I ask again, what is a prayer?
What is it we are sending into the air?
Gratitude, requests, apologies, perchance?
A way for us to, our lives, enhance?
The way we see, we be with the Other?
The way a small child loves its mother?

Prayer is all of this, and none all the same,
What is prayer is something we can’t name,
But, prayer is me, and prayer is you,
Prayer is what we commit ourselves to.
The labor of our hands, the labor of our heart,
The way we go about doing our part.

A prayer is anything that connects us,
God, each other, ourselves, it collects us.
Lifting us up on eagles’ wings,
At the world’s beauty, making us sing,
Of times good and bad, of mourning and dancing.
A prayer is every one of these things.

An Optimist and a Cynic Walk into a Bar

Most of you who have had any interaction with me, whether big or small, would agree that I am the definition of an optimist, probably to a fault. Many a college friend have told me to shut up because I always try to get them to look at the silver linings of bad situations (Josh, I’m talking to you). It’s always been my nature to look for the good-the humanity in suffering, the little God moments in bigger, bleaker situations. If there were one word I would use to describe my personality, it would be “positive.”

During spiritual direction a few weeks ago with our in-country coordinator and Jesuit priest, Father Tom, I was trying to work through my experience thus far, and all the struggles we’ve faced: adapting to the new culture, working within our school, other social justice issues we’ve encountered, etc. Almost without hesitation, I told Father Tom,  “I feel like I’m just jaded, I’m just a cynic about most of this,” and let out a small chuckle after I finished.

Father Tom made me pause, and asked me a simple question: “Are you resigned to being a cynic?”

It’s a question I’ve been grappling with since he asked me. Apart from the darkest times in my life, I would never have even entertained the idea of a situation being unchangeable. I would never have entertained the idea of giving up hope in the people I work with and the systems I work within. Yet here I was, labeling myself as a cynic because of the challenges we JV’s have faced.

If I had to pick 10 words to describe my experience thus far, ‘easy’ might fall at number 100. Dealing on a daily basis with injustice: broken systems and some of the people functioning in those systems, education problems, alcohol abuse, a lack of health care and mental health resources, minimal gender equality, among other things, is hard. In the last few months, I have lost much of the innocence I clung to in college. My time has led me, the eternal optimist, to consider cynicism instead.

But as I reflect on the last four months in Chuuk, I know my time has also been filled with some of the clearest moments of God’s grace and love that I have ever experienced. My community is something that brings me joy and solace every single day. My students are eager and loving, and some of the most forgiving people I’ve ever met. Some of our colleagues are passionate beyond measure, pouring their lives into educating future generations. And I can truly say I love this place.

Looking into the future, I know I will have my share of bad days. I will continue encountering people who perpetuate the brokenness that was once imposed upon them. I will not stop seeing pain and suffering, and I will continue to be angry at the opportunities many of our students are continually denied.

I will also see, and choose, love. I will choose forgiveness, like my students do. I will try to re-embrace some of the innocence and naiveté that infuriated my college friends, the childlike perspective that gave me my positive attitude.

So, to answer Father Tom’s question, no. I do not resign myself to being a cynic. I choose optimism, maybe tempered with a sense of the reality I live in; I’ll call it ‘optimism-with-a-pinch-of-cynicism.’ I think it will suit me well.

Two Months

Sorry to everyone for being offline for such a long time. It has been a whirlwind few weeks, and on top of being a new teacher, learning how to lesson plan, getting comfortable in a classroom, and grading endless assignments, the internet on most of the island has been so slow we can’t even get Google to load. The only phone/internet company in Chuuk, Telecom, was performing “upgrades” so we were basically without internet for a while. The upgrade is still going on, they said until probably mid-October, so we will see what happens from here. Regardless, sorry for the lack of communication!

Two months. It feels like we’ve been here for a year, and it also feels like I got here last week. Wow. We looked at the calendar, realized it was Sept. 26, and had a major WTF moment. This past week was spirit week, and I was one of the staff members on the team with half the senior class and half the freshman class. It was a ton of fun, and we capped it off with a picnic yesterday at one of the resorts on the island.

First off, let me tell you about my day-to-day life here in Chuuk. We’ve compared living here to riding a rollercoaster- you could say it’s an everyday thing, but it’s more like an “every 5 minutes” kind of thing. At one point, we could be on top of the world, a really good lesson, an awesome conversation with a student, anything, and then five minutes later, we could be in the pits for any number of reasons. One of the biggest things Chuuk has taught me is to get rid of all my expectations, because they will always be wrong. That being said, I have fallen into a slight routine during the school week.

6:30-wake up and get ready

7:30-finish breakfast and get coffee (most important part of the day!)

8:00-go to our office

8:30-school starts. I teach anywhere from 2-4 periods a day out of 6, with 3 different subjects. I teach one section of sophomore biology, two sections of junior literature, and one section of senior English skills.

3:00-school ends. We have 15 minutes for meetings before basketball (practice and games) begin

3:30-4:30ish-basketball

5:00-think about getting dinner. We go to the store by our house called Shigeto’s. My night to cook and clean dishes is Monday, and I cook and clean every third Thursday as well.

5:30-get an ice cream cone to celebrate a successful dinner shopping expedition

5:45-cook dinner

6:30-eat dinner

7:30 and after-grade and lesson plan for the next day

10:00-usually bedtime

There are a few nuances to our schedule. We have an assembly every Monday morning for announcements, and we start off the week singing the FSM National Anthem and the Saramen Chuuk Academy (SCA) song. Their singing is probably the best I’ve ever heard-for never studying music, our students can harmonize like it’s nobody’s business. It’s amazing! Tuesdays, we have a half hour for homeroom (I’m not a homeroom teacher, so I get a free half hour). Wednesdays, we have mass during the school day. Mac, Jason and I also have our community night on Wednesdays. We have spirituality nights on Thursdays. And on the weekends we just go with the flow. Sometimes, that’s going up to Xavier, or going to our host families, or hanging out at Saram. It just depends on our moods.

So far, life is really good here. Before I left, everyone I talked to said community living would be the hardest part of my time here, but I’ve found that to be the opposite. My community-mates are incredible; Jason and Mac are super fun and quirky, keep life interesting, and are incredibly supportive. We’ve definitely had our challenges, though. Out of our four pillars (community, simplicity, spirituality and social justice), social justice is by far the hardest. In the past two months, I’ve had to completely reframe how I think about social justice, and the issues I thought I would be facing. Hunger and poverty aren’t really big issues, at least not in my limited experience, but education is huge. I came in not really sure how education would play out as a social justice issue, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I will never again doubt that it is one. Our students are amazing, bright and dedicated; they’ve just been given very few educational opportunities to date. Feel free to ask me more about all of this; I’m not going to write a lot about it publicly but I’m happy to share.

I know I can’t write everything that has happened in the last month or so, but this is a start. I miss home like hell, and I think about everyone a lot. Having letters to open every day from friends and family (thanks to my amazing sister, Jess!) has been a godsend and I can’t thank her enough for that. That is all from me right now. More to come a lot sooner than this came!

Relaxation, Anticipation

This weekend, we went to the island of Pisar. It is about an hour away from our island, Weno, and close to the size of a football field, maybe a little smaller. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. We left Friday afternoon and spent the weekend relaxing, exploring the island, snorkeling and walking along the reef. During this time of year, flies infest Pisar, so we had a few meltdowns with how many flies there were; otherwise, it was an amazing weekend! The beautiful thing about Pisar is that it is on the edge of the Chuuk Lagoon, meaning we can go swimming in the true Pacific Ocean and see all of the awesome sea creatures, including reef sharks, eels, and a ton of fish. It was exactly what we needed to refresh ourselves and get ready for the first week of school!

This year, I am teaching four sections. I am teaching one section of sophomore biology, two sections of junior literature, and one section of senior English skills. It will be a big challenge lesson planning for three different classes, and probably an even bigger one teaching all four of them, but I’m excited to get going. We had our Mass of the Holy Spirit on Friday before we left for Pisar, and it was really great getting to see all the students. Another great thing is that the Saram students are incredible singers, and it made mass so beautiful. I’m fired up and ready to start off the semester; it will have its challenges, and I still have to learn how to actually teach, but it will be a growing experience for all of us!

The Little Things

My journal excerpt from yesterday:

“It’s the little things. I say that all the time, and I mean it, but I always seem to forget that for me, the little things really matter. So, I got a little reminder of that from my neighbors this afternoon. It rained today, it rained hard. And when I went up to grab something from my room, I heard a giggle coming from outside. I looked out my window, and saw my neighbor’s little boy, butt naked, shampoo on his head, empty half of a milk carton in his hand, gathering rainwater as he danced and laughed and ran around the compound, sometimes dumping the water on his head but most of the times throwing it everywhere but. A rain shower. And an infectious giggle. It’s the little things.”

My Host Family

This weekend, we all went to our host families for the first time! My host family lives on the island of Udot. It is about a 40 minute boat ride from Weno, where we are all staying. That is when the weather is good and the lagoon waters are calm, which wasn't the case Friday. It had rained most of the night Thursday and into Friday, so the lagoon was really rough. Doesn't make for a very cozy boat ride, especially in a 15 ft. boat. Luckily, Jo my hot dad is an expert behind the wheel, so it wasn't too too bad. We got there and we were all soaked to the skin though, because the waves were hitting us on one side and the rain was getting us on the other! It was definitely a first boat ride to remember!

That night, we just had dinner and I went to bed. Nai Nai (my oldest sister) made sashimi and fried fish, which was amazing. Nai Nai has given us all Chuukese lessons in the past, so hopefully I can convince her to do that again this year. We definitely need it! Nai Nai has two  younger sisters, Crystal and Keinani. Crystal will be home from school in about a week, so I will get to meet her then. The way the family unit works, Kiki (my host mom) also has five of her nephews living in the compound with her, Jo, her parents, and her daughters, so there are 12 people overall. All the kids call Kiki "Mom," so the boys are all my brothers and the girls are all my sisters. The youngest of her nephews is about 12, and his name is Kanei Jr. He's an awesome kid, even though we can't communicate very well.

Saturday morning after breakfast, Kanei Jr. comes up to me and says "Sa na" (pronounced sa dah) and we're off into the jungle. We went to go pick some breadfruit. The way they prepare it is by picking it from the trees, boiling it, and pounding it into dough form. Hence, bread-fruit! Everyone I met here can climb trees like it's nobody's business. Two of the older boys, Jess and Rifsan, came with us, and they were at least 30 feet up trying to get at the fruit. And then Kane Jr. shimmied his way up a palm tree no problem to get us some coconuts while we waited. It was crazy! Pretty cool!

After a nap and lunch, we were back out adventuring. This time, we just went and grabbed big leaves to wrap the finished breadfruit in, and then came back and played foursquare for a good three hours. It was a ton of fun! I'm glad foursquare is a universal game, and that you don't need to say much to play! Whenever I did say anything, I got laughed at because I said it wrong. Guess I'm going to need to practice more!

We came back to the house and Kiki got out her ukelele and started playing and singing, and the rest of the weekend, random family members would be walking around doing the same. The Chuukese are so talented! It's awesome to listen to. Saram students are known for their ability to sing, so I'm really excited for that (yes, I know, I can't sing...living vicariously through others!).

It got dark pretty early, and Kanei Jr. and I went and laid under the sky for a while, watching the bats waking up. After, we went to their back yard area and hung out while he sang some songs with one of the neighbors. After a few minutes, Kanei Jr. stuck his arm around me, leaned in and said "my brother." For knowing him for only a day, it was really heartwarming to hear that. It will definitely be something I look back upon when we start hitting hard times. And I know I have a family here in Chuuk.

Sunday morning, we went to mass, and came back and played more foursquare and some volleyball. After that, took another nap, had lunch and got in the boat to come back to Weno! It was an incredible weekend with an incredible family, and I am so blessed that they have taken me in. I can't wait to spend more time with them in the future, and to keep learning more about this place and people.

The First Few Days

Ran annim! It's dinnertime here, but I think most of you are sound asleep or close to it!

This is officially my fifth day in Chuuk. I don't even know where to start. Weno (the island I am on) is incredible. It is one of about 150 in the state of Chuuk, which includes the Chuuk Lagoon and the outer islands. We have Peace Corps friends on the outer islands, and they just left to go back to their sites yesterday.

I can't possibly give you all we have done in the past few days; I have learned and done so much already. But here are a few highlights of my trip so far:

We spent the first 4 days at Saramen Chuuk Academy (translated "Light of Chuuk Academy," Saram for short). That is where I will be teaching, along with Jason and Mackenzie, my community mates. On our second night, we were treated to a "local feast" of fish, breadfruit, rice, and bananas pounded with coconut milk. It was delicious! I use the word "treated" loosely, because we made the meal ourselves. Our second-years (Mack, Tess, and Chris) bought the ingredients, including 5 full parrotfish, and we got to de-scale, gut and clean the fish before cooking them. It was a really cool experience! I have to say, it tasted much better having done most of the work myself. Now all we have to do is learn how to spear fish, which I have been told we can do with our host families.

The next day, we took a hike up to Octopus Head. It is a hill close to Saram that resembles, well, you can guess. It was quite the adventure. Kicho, one of the second-years' friends and the dorm moderator at Xavier High School (where the other JVs teach) came with us to be our guide, and brought along two cousins. We trekked up the hillside through the tropical jungle in the mud (because it rains almost every day...a lot of rain!). It was intense. At the top of the hill, there is a network of caves and tunnels the Japanese used during WWII, with cannons still in them. It was incredible to be able to see all of them. We all took tumbles on the way down. I caught air when I fell. It was pretty fun, but we definitely deserved nap time afterward!

Yesterday, we took a flatbed truck up to Xavier High School. It is a Jesuit school, where five other JVs live and 3 of them teach. The remaining two teach at an elementary school down the hill. Xavier is pretty incredible, with ocean views (and views of over 20 islands, some barely big enough to hold a few trees). We sat and watched the stars last night, and saw at least 10 meteors in the hour we were up there. We then got back to the JV house and battled cockroaches and spiders before settling in and going to bed.

It has been quite the adventure so far. There have been a few moments where it has hit me that this is home for two years, but so far it is completely surreal. I'm guessing when I begin teaching it will begin to become more real. Right now, I'm just soaking it in.

Missing everyone back home! Love you all!

Island Hopper

“Welcome to the Island Hopper! We are about to land at the first of seven islands on our way to Guam and the Mariana Islands, the Majuro atoll, capitol of the Marshall Islands. Next will be Kwajalein, followed by Kosrae, Pohnpei and Chuuk of Micronesia.”

The Island Hopper is a unique tradition in the Pacific, in which one plane a day acts like a “bus of the skies,” stopping at many of the islands in the Marshalls, Micronesia, and ending in Guam. Our flight attendants are awesome, and are based out of Guam. This is their route, and they love it.

As for me, I’m doing pretty well. Excited, nervous, happy, sad, you name it and I’ve felt it (probably all in the last 24 hours, too!). It was hard having a second round of goodbyes over the past few days, with family, new and old friends alike. The last two weeks at Orientation have been incredible, and the rest of the people serving with JVC, as well as the Rostro de Christo volunteers in Ecuador, are truly wonderful and inspiring people.

Now we are on our way to the first Micronesian island, and I think that’s all I have for now. Kinamwe (peace)!

Why Can't Caterpillars Trust?

Funny you should ask.

As part of our orientation for JVC, we have had many sessions on various topics alongside a 2-day silent retreat we all just got back from. The morning after our silent retreat, we had a session on how to care for ourselves while in our countries, and how to serve from a place of spiritual/emotional/mental "abundance" as opposed to serving in a state of depletion. As part of this session, we participated in a simple walking meditation, walking slowly and focusing on each step we took.

One thing I noticed is that, as we take each step, we fall (very slightly) before we take the next step. As we put our front foot forward for every step, we have to trust that the ground will be there to catch us. And we do, every time. We don't walk on the sidewalk like it's a frozen lake, testing the ground as we go. We just walk, simple as that.

In reflecting on this, I was brought back to my time on silent retreat. During lunch our last day, I looked down at my shirt to see a tiny caterpillar on it. I'm talking as long as an eyelash, maybe shorter. Being a bio major and major nerd, I just watched it for a while. And I noticed that, before it moved, it would inch out, testing where it was about to 'step' before moving a muscle. It didn't trust (or didn't have the capacity to trust) its surroundings.

And that is why caterpillars can't trust.

I know it's incredibly random, but it is important for me as I go into country and into this experience. Trust will be crucial in the next two years. Recognizing my capacity to trust myself, to trust my community, to trust God, and to trust the Micronesian people is what will help get me through, especially during the challenging times.